Inner Battles And Demons
by navycorpsman
Summary: Neela's got a secret that she's been keeping from everyone, including herself. A drabble...but due to requests, am carrying on with story...Neela discovers a demon Ray's been fighting too...
1. A Secret Revealed

I look myself over in the mirror before leaving the bathroom to get ready for work. I hear Ray pounding on the door, but I ignore him as I usually do. The scale reads "110" and I find I'm unhappy about this. I can't weigh _that_ much, can I? I step off the scale and glance once more into the mirror. I wrap the towel around me and duck under Ray's arm as I head to get ready for work.

He doesn't know. None of them know. I'm a bloody doctor; I should know the consequences, right? But, still, it's hard. My life is spinning violently out of control and I don't know what to do. Michael's in Iraq. I nearly cost Pratt a patient and now, above all things, I have that surgeon's conference coming up. The stress is too much. But, I'm Neela Rasgotra. I'm perfect. I'm pretty. I'm petite. I'm put together well and I'm in control.

No. I'm not.

That's how they _all_ see me: pretty, perfect, put together and in control. The truth of the matter is I'm none of those things.

What would they do if they saw any insecurities about how out of control I really am?

I can't control that Michael's in Iraq. I can't control that I misdiagnosed a patient, nearly costing the kid his life. I can't control the day to day of being a surgical resident. I can't control anything. But, I can control what I do and do not eat.

I can control my appetite as though it were a light switch, turning it on and off at will. I have to maintain this image of petite perfection.

Ray acts like he doesn't know anything, but sometimes I wonder if he does. Like when he offers me a bite of stir-fry or of his hamburger. I try to play it polite, but it's hard.

In the privacy of my own room, I once again stare at myself; pin pointing every roll; everything and anything out of place. I dress and I know what I have to do. Ray and I have about an hour before shift and I decided to talk. I stare at my hands, hoping he won't see the blood I see on them or see how rough and dry they are from the scrubbing. Ray looks at me like he knows.

For the first time, someone close to me has let me know that it's okay for me to be imperfect. I cry as I tell him the secret that I've been carrying around since I was 11 years old. He calms and soothes and tells me it's going to be okay.

But, I have yet to take that step. Ray's still in the bathroom, oblivious to my inner battle while I make my way to the kitchen to see what we have for food. I divulge in Twinkies, Oreos, Doritos, and Coke until I feel sick. When Ray extracts himself from the bathroom, I make my way in, hoping he'll be in his room. I let out everything I've eaten and flush the toilet. When I wash my hands and open the door, I see Ray standing there, a sick and disgusted look on his face.

Now what do I say?

Now, I have to be honest to Ray and most importantly, to me.

* * *

**Once again, you have a glimpse as to who NAVYCORPSMAN is…I thought first of writing this as Sam, but I know Neela's character a little better. Review…don't review…doesn't matter, but this is me. The first step to healing is writing it down…and what better way to do it than in a Fan Fic, eh? LoL**


	2. Confrontation

I shove past Ray, or at least try to. He grabs my arm and asks if I'm all right. "Of course I'm bloody alright. I just got sick." I snap.

"From eating every last Twinkie in the house?" He held up the empty box. "Neela, I just bought this box yesterday. Talk to me."

"We've got to get to work." I force my arm out of his and make my way out to the train. I don't want to talk about it. Not yet. I mean, I know that I should, but I still feel held back. By what? I don't know if even I knew. All I knew at that moment was Ray had no way to understand what it was like to feel out of control.

"Neela! Wait!" I hear Ray calling me. "I don't want to upset you or anything, but…"

"Then leave it, Ray." I practically run up the stairs to the train platform. I could hear Ray stomping up behind me. "What?"

"What's wrong, Neela?"

"Nothing." I sat on a bench, waiting for the next train.

"Okay. Fine. Nothing's wrong, then."

"That's right. Nothing's wrong." I smiled, contented that Ray was giving up on trying to figure out what was wrong.

I wish I could say the day made me as content as that moment did, but I can't. I honestly don't remember a whole lot of that day. I remember walking in the door, still feeling sick and feeling fat. I remember feeling even more out of control than I ever did.

I came home, anxious for a night alone. Ray had left work early because of a gig. So imagine my surprise when I got home and found him sitting on the couch. He looked at me. "I don't care if you want to talk or not, Neela. We're talking."

I groan as I sit next to him on the couch. "It's not like you'll understand."

He ignored me. "I had this girlfriend when I was in high school. A high school sweetheart, you could say. We started dating freshman year and she was positively the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. She was petite. She was perfect. She was always in control and always put together." He softly sighed. "I saw her as the most perfect girl. But, every word that I said that validated that I thought she was perfect only validated what she thought: she had to stay that way. Neela, I watched her go from a healthy weight of 120 pounds to the grave. _The grave._" I heard a sadness in his voice that I never heard before. "She failed to realise that it was her _imperfections_ that made her perfect. The way she'd snort softly when she'd laugh or how her lower lip would quiver as she held tears back. The way she'd always shove a piece of hair behind her ear when she was embarrassed. _Those_ are the things that made her so perfect. I couldn't get her to see it, but I'll be damned, Neela, if I watch that happen to you."

Quite out of character, he grabbed my wrist hard and led me to my room. He stood me in front of my full-length mirror. "Now, tell me what you see."

"I see…" I wasn't sure what I saw. "I see someone who's got a long ways to go to be perfect."

Ray grabbed my waist. "This? Is this what you're talking about?"

I slapped his hand. "Not funny, Ray."

"I'm not being funny, Neela." He sighed as he stepped back. "Why don't you realise that it is your imperfections that make you so perfect?" I look at his reflection. My eyes plead with him, and he continues. "You get your feathers ruffled so easily over the small things and it's really cute the way your eyes flare up when you're mad. Like now." He smiled. "You can't control everything, Neela. All that you can control is will you live or will you die."

And he left, leaving me there. I still wasn't sure if I should open up. I heard something hit the wall and look to see that he's thrown the scale and broken it. "RAY!" I yell. "Do you know what that cost?"

"Do you know what it will cost?" I had never seen Ray so upset. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to open up to him, if I could. I went back in my room and laid down on my bed, wondering what I should do.

* * *

**As the story progresses, it will be harder to write as I face the demons that have plagued me. I know I took Ray out of character, but when you're watching someone you care about hurt themselves this way, you step out of character. Ray actually responded how my mom responded. Well, except for the girlfriend part. I had to make that up so Neela would get the idea Ray's dealt with this before. But, as this continues, Ray will step more and more out of character as he tries to help Neela. If the story abruptly ends and it just sits there for a while with no new update, please understand. This story is _MY_ story, only using Ray/Neela as the main. There are some demons that we are not prepared to face, but we face them anyway and my eating disorder is one demon I'm not prepared to face, but I must.**

**Thank you for your understanding.**

**NavyCorpsman**


	3. The Beginning

I don't know what to do, so I just lay there, thinking back to when it all started. It's hard to live in the shadow of such a perfect older sibling. It was always "Kavi this" or "Kavi that". He was the perfect child.

How do I compare?

Of course, it would have been easier had I been born a son, but I am a daughter and I am expected to be a certain way: Perfect.

My parents were angry when I decided to become a doctor, which wasn't what a woman did. A woman got married and supported her husband by bearing children and keeping house and cooking. I never wanted those things, really.

I was eleven the first time I remember feeling like things were too far out of control. We had just moved from the house we had been in since my birth and moved to another part of the country. This meant making new friends, adjusting to a new school, a new neighborhood. I was scared. Really scared.

Of course, _KAVI_ never complained. He went with the flow. He never had problems making friends. My brother was one of the friendliest people I ever knew, but I can't still explain how come we don't get along.

_KAVI_ adjusted well in school and didn't need to be sent home for fighting. _KAVI_ always did his homework and was never given a note to give to Mum and Dad for failure to do so.

_KAVI_ aced all his classes without problem and it was never suggested that he get a tutor to help him with some classes he may have struggled a bit harder with.

_KAVI_ had never given my parents a hard time.

Me, on the other hand, no matter what I did, I was never right. If I got one A-, my dad would yell at me for not trying hard enough. Sure, it was okay when _KAVI_ got an A-, but not me. It was okay for _KAVI_ to have female friends, but not for me to have male friends. It was okay for _KAVI _to do anything, but I couldn't.

I remember feeling lost and alone. Feeling as though no one really cared. I recall looking in the mirror, thinking, if I could get thin enough, like the cartoon characters, maybe one day I'll disappear like they do. Or, if I got thin enough, the wind would carry me away.

After all, no one would really care, would they? I was invisible anyhow, so they wouldn't miss me if I were gone, now, would they?

The thoughts of an eleven-year-old girl are sometimes hard to understand. But I just knew then, my life as it had been was over and this one was starting to spiral out of control. I didn't want to live nor did I want to die. I just wanted to merely exist. I didn't want to do anything that would embarrass my family or culture. If I just existed, than I couldn't embarrass anyone.

So the battle began.

But, how do I tell Ray? How do I tell him without him thinking I want his sympathy?

* * *

**Again, I bring my own life here. When I was 11, the Navy transferred my dad and what Neela wrote about feeling…well, that's what I thought. I couldn't remember if Neela had an older brother or not, but I do and I wanted to bring that aspect in because that's what started it all with me: The "perfect" older sibling.**

**I appreciate all the feedback I have received on this story. If someone is reading this and they see themselves in Neela…seek help! Eating Disorders are not glamorous. They are not fun. They are, in a word, TORTURE. You have to hide yourself and hope no one finds out. Living a life of secrecy takes a toll on you and the more secret you keep it, the worse it becomes. If it wasn't for my mom, I wouldn't be here today, writing this story. So, I put her in Ray and for the record, Neela's excuses and what else she goes through in this story, is my story.**


	4. Betrayal

I don't recall ever falling asleep, but I recall waking up. Ray was cooking something and my nose buds danced. I was only acutely aware of the gnawing in my stomach, but having grown up ignoring it, it quickly disappeared.

_Bollocks!_ I screamed in my head. Ray was making bacon and eggs, one of my favorite dishes. Probably the only one I'd keep down.

"Morning, sunshine." He smiled when he heard me drag my feet in the kitchen. "Here!" He held up a part of scrambled egg. I shook my head. "Come on, Neela." He raised his voice to this annoying high-pitched voice, waving the egg in front of me. "Eat me, Neela! I don't want to be the only egg not eaten! _EAT ME!_"

"Oh, alright. Will you stop making that annoying voice if I eat the bloody egg?" I laughed.

"Yes."

"Alright then." I ate the egg and my stomach immediately let me know it didn't like the intrusion. I found it hard to swallow just this small amount and when Ray turned around, I quietly made my way to the bathroom and spit it out. I hoped he hadn't noticed my absence when I spoke. "Listen, Ray, about last night, I…"

He faced me. "I'm not sorry. You've got to get a handle on this thing."

"I know, but you don't understand."

Ray leaned against the counter. "Counting calories. Exercising way too much. Obsessing over what amount to actually keep down." He looked at me with a hard stare that made me jump. "Wishing you could just disappear because no one thinks you exist anyway?"

"How do you…"

"I told you. My high school girlfriend." He turned around and checked on the bacon. "She was completely obsessed with control, pretty much like you. If one thing didn't go as she had carefully planned it, she went nuts." He stopped, held his head up, but keeping his back to me. "I've noticed that since you've gotten married, you're not eating as much and you're hitting the gym more and you're in the bathroom more times for longer amounts of time."

I backed out of the kitchen and sat on the couch. Ray had a slight understanding and he knew it all along. Why didn't he say something sooner? Would he believe me if I promised to never do it again?

"Neela?" I vaguely heard Ray call my name. It soon became frantic. "NEELA! Answer me, goddamnit!" I felt him violently shake me.

I looked up at him, tears in my eyes. "I can't do this anymore, Ray." I shakily stood up. "I just can't do this." I fell into his arms.

"I know. I know." Ray's voice was softer and more tender than I remember it ever being. It was calming and soothing. I knew I had to do something.

"Talk to me."

I didn't say anything. I didn't want to. I felt completely sick to my stomach and ran to the bathroom. There was nothing. Nothing but bile mixed with blood. I don't remember anything I was feeling, but I do remember crying and there being a sense of helplessness.

I heard a huge crash and looked around and saw Ray. I know I closed the door and I knew I had locked it, but the look on his face made me wonder if he suddenly turned into the Incredible Hulk. He pulled me up off the floor. For the first time, I was scared of Ray. I knew that he would never hurt me, but I hadn't ever seen him this angry.

Despite how angry he was, he softly wiped my face and my hands. "Come on. We're going." He didn't give me time to ask or even time to change. I followed him down the street, dressed only the pajamas I had worn to bed. _Thank goodness he at least let me get shoes and a coat._ I snorted in my head.

I pulled away when I saw we were at the ER. "Shift doesn't start until…"

I saw Luka and Abby standing there, looking at me. Why were they looking at me? What did Ray do? Did he…NO! Ray wouldn't have betrayed me like that?

Luka came over to me. "We've got her, Ray."

I don't remember anything else except for screaming at Ray "YOU FUCKING BASTARD!"

* * *

**Because of my mother's quick reactions to my disorder, because of the doctor's betrayal, I never had to go to rehab for my EDO. I'm one of the lucky ones who had an astute mother and a doctor who didn't give a damn about breaking the confidentiality between doctor and patient.**

**Like Neela in this chapter, I had only a few select items I'd keep down: Bacon/eggs, Taco Bell and my mom's chicken. And the door being pulled off…well, that did happen. My brother managed to pull the door off the hinges because he was angry at me (not for my EDO…but something now long forgotten) when I had shut and locked it.**

**Please feel free to review. I know that it may seem I'm pulling Ray out of context, but I don't think he'd ever be the type to just sit by and watch someone kill themselves this way.**


	5. Memories

I sat huddled on my bed, trying to get as close to the fetal position as I could. I found every blanket I could and covered myself. I locked my door because I didn't want to face Ray. He betrayed me. He betrayed my confidence. But then again, I never really confided in him, had I?

As I drifted off to sleep, I thought of my childhood and when it all began.

"_Neela! You come down here this very instance!" My father yelled._

"_Yes, Daddy?" I made my way shyfully down the stairs, afraid of what would happen. I must have done something to make Daddy so mad._

"_I said to come here!" He pointed in front of him. I moved, but it didn't seem to be fast enough. He reached over and grabbed my arm and threw me on the couch. "Is it true?"_

"_Is what true?" I looked at him, unable to determine what lie Kavi had concocted this time._

"_Don't play dumb with me. You know very well of which I speak." I looked to my mother, but her eyes were angry too and I couldn't trust Kavi. "Answer me, Neela. Is it true?"_

"_I don't know what you mean." I replied._

"_You want to become a doctor?"_

"_Yes, I do." I nodded._

_My parents swore a little and my dad raised his hands in frustration. Finally, Dad looked at me. "You are a disappointment, Neela. We have raised you all these years to be a wife and mother and you want to be a doctor."_

The words 'you are a disappointment' played over and over in my head like a broken record. Luka and Abby never said it, but I could see in their eyes how disappointed they were in me.

_"Talk to me, Neela." Luka sat in front of me. "Ray's concerned about you."_

"_Well, it took him bloody long enough to even notice." I snorted back before I caught what I was saying._

_Abby handed me a cup of coffee. "We're not going to crucify you, Neela. We just want to help."_

"_Help? You think you can help?" I was indignant. "Fine. Bring Michael home. Make sure no more patients are misdiagnosed and nearly die. And, oh yeah, how about one of you prepares my lecture for the surgeons convention. And deal with Ray as a roommate, bringing home strange new girls every night. When you can get my life back to some sense of control, then you can help." I put the coffee down and stormed out. Ray wasn't around, which was good for him. I was ready to strangle him._

I heard a soft knock on my door. "Go away, Ray."

"Talk to me, Neela." Ray's voice pleaded.

"You betrayed me."

"You need help."

I sat up in bed. "Dammit, Ray. I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me so stop acting the part of the bloody hero."

"I'm not leaving until you talk."

"About what? You think you know everything else, Ray, so you should be able to get this one on your own." I lay back down and threw the blankets over my head, hoping they would shield out the knocking and Ray's pleading.

* * *

**Admittedly, I don't know much about the culture that Neela would have been raised in. If the reaction would have been the same for every family or not. But, I decided that it would be her family's reaction. This is short, I know, but she'll be living through some more memories of disappointments. This one…the yelling through the door was something Mom and I did quite often, but not the argument she had with her parents. I needed a memory of some disappointment being shown. When there are more, you can bet it'll be some of my memories of people being disappointed in her.**

**Please review. This chapter may be short but hopefully it will give you the start of a glimpse of what she believes started all this.**

**NAVYCORPSMAN**


	6. A Cry For Help

"You can't hide in there forever. Sooner or later, you'll come out and when you do, I'll be here…by your door…waiting to talk." Ray's voice sounded more joking than serious.

"You betrayed me, Ray." I blurted out.

"I told them nothing."

"Then why did they say you were so concerned about me and they weren't going to crucify me?" I felt tears forming.

"I told them that I thought you might be a little depressed because Michael's in Iraq and because I'm too attached to you, I wanted one of them to talk to you because I knew you'd trust them more than anyone else." I heard him sit hard on the floor. I wanted to move, but my body wouldn't let me. I could only just lie there with the blankets keeping me warm. "You going to let me in?"

I fought with my body and finally moved. I unlocked the door and let him in. He laughed when he saw my bed. "Don't say anything." I snorted as I crawled back under the warm safety of my bed.

"What? Are you expecting it to hit one hundred below zero or something, Neela? Because I have never seen that many blankets on one bed before."

"I can't help it if I'm cold." I pulled the blanket up to my chin.

Ray sat next to me. "Come here." He put his arms around me and I fell asleep feeling safer than I ever have.

* * *

"So, what all is new?" Michael asked. 

I looked forward to his calls from Iraq, but I found it boring sometimes. Never having anything new to talk about. "It's the same old same old. Luka's still mooning all over Abby, who's still preggers. Sam has a new job. It's part time, but the pay is apparently very well, and Pratt's going to join Carter in Africa. Morris is still a wanker and Kerry had surgery."

"What about your roommate?"

"Ray?"

"Yeah. The wanna be rocker. What's going on there?"

"He's…" I saw Ray heading towards the ambulance bay. "He's still the same wanker he ever was."

"You sleeping with him?"

Michael's question took me by surprise. "WHAT? Michael, how can you…NO! NO, I'm not sleeping with him! Why would you ask that?"

"I know how close friends you two are and I don't want him stealing you away from me. That's all." I wanted to tell him he had nothing to be afraid of, but I knew the truth. Ray was more than a roomie to me. He was my best friend. There were times I had imagined Ray coming to my rescue and here he was. "Neela?" I heard Michael's voice on the line.

"Sorry. Erm, no, Michael. You have absolutely nothing to worry about where Ray's concerned. He's my roommate and a really good friend, but there's nothing there." An ambulance pulled up. "Gotta go, Michael. I love you." I hung up my cell phone before he could even respond. "What do we have here?" I wasn't in the ER anymore during my surgical residency, but it didn't stop me from doing what was in my heart.

I barely heard the stats of the young MVA victim because Ray stood in front of me. He pulled me to the side as Luka and Pratt took over. "We gotta talk."

"Haven't we talked enough?" I whined.

Ray shot me a look. "No, Neela. It's something else." We found our way into the staff lounge. "Coffee?" Ray poured a cup for me. He handed me the hot liquid when I nodded. "Neela, I've been doing a lot of thinking about this shit that's going on with you." He sighed heavily.

"You alright?" I was concerned for him.

"I'm fine, yeah. I uh, I, err, it's just that…" He looked down to the floor. "Never mind. I can't do this." He stood up and walked out.

I looked at the door, bewildered. What was wrong with Ray and why wouldn't he talk about it? I put my coffee down and found him standing outside in the ambulance bay. "You okay?"

"I'm fine." He smiled. "Bet you wonder what's wrong, don't you?"

"I hate your smile, Ray. Especially right now." I crossed my arms.

"I'll make a deal with you. You talk to me and I'll talk to you." He broadened his smile.

* * *

I don't know how I managed to, but I disappointed Ray. He wasn't speaking to me at the moment and I was left wondering how I disappointed him. I made my way home, tears barely holding back. I walked into the apartment and leaned against the closed door. The tears I tried so hard to control broke the damn they were behind. 

I fumbled my way into the kitchen, grabbing everything to eat that I could. Hot dogs. Cereal. Milk. Cola. If it was there, I was eating it. I think I lost count of how many hot dogs I had, but I'm sure we had two packs earlier. Eating seemed to calm the fear at the same time it helped intensify it.

I dropped a half-eaten hot dog on the kitchen floor and made my way to the bathroom and let it all go. Tears of fear, frustration, disappointment, anger, and every other emotion I dared feel all came out with the food. I put my hands behind my head and cried into the toilet.

"Neela? You okay?" I snapped up when I heard Ray's voice. "Neela?" He came back and I heard him hit the doorframe. "Dammit, Neela. I thought we…"

I turned around and faced him. "I need help, Ray."

"We'll get you help." He took me in his arms and held me. All my fear and frustration and anger disappeared the moment he wrapped his arms around me. I cried into his chest as he softly stroked my hair. "It's okay, Neela. We'll get you the help you need. I promise."

* * *

**I wanted to get in some more disappointments for Neela, but when I sat to start writing this, I found the memory too hard, so, while she'll have flashbacks of disappointments, there may not be too many of them. Her struggle isn't over yet, though. Michael comes back and that's all I'm saying for now.**


	7. Is This The Start Of Healing?

To say I was scared was the understatement of the year. I knew I needed to talk and to open up, but this was a total stranger and someone who didn't know the first thing about me. I hated Ray for this. After all, it would have been easier to just talk to him, but he wanted me to get professional help and why I agreed, I don't think I'll ever know.

It was uncomfortable talking to someone that I just knew would condemn me and think I was just being vain. I mean, I couldn't tell my own husband. How could I tell a complete stranger? The only reason I opened up to Ray was because he discovered it by accident. Yet, here I was, wondering if I looked as uncomfortable as I felt.

"So, what are we supposed to talk about?" I nervously asked.

Dr. Caminesh smiled. "Whatever you want."

"You'll look at me like a nutcase."

"No. I'm not here to assign that title to anyone. I'm merely here to help." She adjusted herself in her winged backed chair and started to write something on a legal pad.

"What are you writing?" I leaned forward, hoping to see what she was writing.

"Just the time and date and your name that's all." She never looked up.

"I'm a bloody doctor and I know it doesn't take that much writing for a name and date and time." I slunk back. I suddenly realised this was a mistake. I knew I couldn't walk out, but I couldn't stay either. Ray would ask about it and I had to tell him something.

"What are your fears about being fat, Neela?"

I glared at her. "You think it's all about being afraid of getting fat?"

She looked surprised as she looked at me. "What else could it be then?"

"Forget it. You already have it in your head that this is about me being afraid of getting fat. Just what I expected." I picked up my coat. "Thank you for your time, but this is over and I assure you I won't be coming back."

Ray stood up as I walked out. "Well? How'd it go?"

"Bad idea, Ray. She thinks it's because I'm afraid of getting fat." I faced him. "Look, if it'll make you feel better me talking to someone, I'd much rather talk to someone I know. Someone who isn't going to pass a judgment on my fear of losing control."

* * *

The next couple of days, the struggle seemed to be harder and harder and they were pretty much a blur. I don't remember much except binging and purging. And the one time Ray nearly threw me against the wall. 

He had come home and found the kitchen a total disaster area with Oreo containers, Doritos bags and Twinkies boxes on the floor, with the wrappers near by. There were quite a few Coke cans strewn about and a couple of corn dog sticks left on the counter.

He had thought he and I were making some progress in this fight, but he didn't really realise that it was a long fight and a hard war to rage. I knew I should have picked up, but maybe I was tired from it all and had no energy left to clean up. Or maybe it was my subconscious way of telling Ray to please continue to help.

He burst in my room and tossed a Coke can across the room. Ray was angry and he had every right to be. But, he didn't know because he had no way to know, that his anger only pushed me farther and farther into the hell I was residing in. I was, after all, a failure that couldn't do anything right.

I kept my back to him, hoping he wouldn't see the tears.

* * *

**I know this is short and there's so much more. However, let me restate that because of my parents' alertness (mostly my mom's) it wasn't until I started writing this story that I figured out how deep I was into my EDO. That's why it took so long for an update. This is all based on what happened to me when I was about 16 years old. That was what a doctor actually told me. If I hadn't been 16, I would have walked out, but I couldn't, being underage. Instead, I just shut my mouth. Said nothing for the hour I was there. I'll be touching on more of this when I can. This has become more difficult to write than I thought it would and I really appreciate the patience of everyone who's reading it.**


	8. Healing Delayed

It's funny how one minute of feeling like a failure starts the cycle over again. I couldn't face Ray, knowing he thought I was one and me knowing I was. From that moment, things got worse. But, that's the cycle of it. You start to get better, than you get worse and you stay worse for what seems like forever until something or someone intervenes.

It's also funny how you can ignore the gnawing in your empty stomach.

Ray never believed I wasn't hungry. I had just come to ignore the gnawing in my stomach, but he couldn't. He would try to get me to eat, and yet I couldn't find it in me to eat more than a couple bites. I had let him down. I failed him and me and everyone else.

Of course, Morris's attempt to make me laugh only sparked the fire more. Ray nearly lost his job over slamming Morris against the wall. Morris deserved it. Even Luka took Ray's side, but I couldn't get it out of my head.

_The ER was full, as it usually was on a Friday night. I wasn't feeling well, but I had to work, so I came in. Morris looked at me and smiled. "You can go home, Neela. Your twin's here." I looked at him wondering what he meant. That changed when he wheeled over a skeleton model in a lab coat._

_I had never seen Ray so angry. He picked Morris up by the neck and slammed him against the wall. "That's not funny, fucker, and if I were you, I'd never try that shit again or else YOU'RE going to be the fucking skeleton."_

"_Ray!" Luka's voice broke through the tension. "Put Morris down and take a break."_

_Begrudgingly, Ray let Morris down and walked out of the ER, but not before mumbling more words of warning to him. I looked between Morris, the bay doors, and Luka. Was I going to have to be honest about everything now? I wasn't ready. I couldn't be._

_I gave Luka my apologies and came home._

Ray sat on my bed. "I'm sorry about tonight."

"Why? Someone has to put Morris in his place." I sobbed. The feeling of helpless failure now overtook my body. I felt as though I were going to throw up, even though I'd not eaten. I felt weak and I felt even more like I was the failure.

"I know you're not really ready to open up to people and I know that you had to and…"

"I just told Luka I wasn't feeling well and came home, Ray." I gently sat up and put my head on his shoulder. "Thank you, though."

"You're welcome, Neela." He kissed the top of my head. "I'll get the door." A knock, nearing a pound, echoed through our apartment.

I could barely make out voices, but I did recognize Luka's deep voice. I wiped the tears and came out to see Luka, Abby, and Sam standing in our living room. "Hi'ya." Was all I could manage to mumble.

"You okay, Neela?" Sam gave me a hug. "You look like death swarmed over you."

"Funny you should say that." I managed a small laugh. "Listen, I know you should all…"

Ray stopped me. "She's not feeling well and Morris's joke was a little off humor. I know I went berserk, but…"

I smiled. "A little? Ray, you were going to kill him."

Luka laughed. "Yeah. Next time, let me or Clemente handle him."

"Guys, it's just…I was…Ah, forget it." Ray headed in for a beer.

I knew I needed to tell them why this was the joke Ray went ballistic on Morris. I followed Ray into the kitchen. "They need to know, right?"

"Not unless you're ready." Ray never faced me. "It's up to you to talk, but you need to be sure you're doing this to help otherwise it will only hurt you."

* * *

**Morris seemed like the one to do this stunt. He's an off color character and I see him doing that. Not that he's a bad guy…he probably thought it would make Neela smile, you know? The last sentence was the only thing in this part of the story that is actual to my life. My mom said that. Updates are becoming harder as I begin to delve deeper and deeper into my past to write this. Your patience is really appreciated.**


	9. Surgeon's Conference

I stared at Ray and nodded in agreement. I wasn't ready for my secret to be out yet, but I also knew they had the right to know why Ray did what he did. I sat on the couch and Luka stared at me. "We're beginning to worry about you, Neela. You've lost some weight rather rapidly."

"Just concerned for Michael, I guess. I tend to focus my energy on worrying about how _he's_ doing and not enough on me." I smiled, hoping they'd buy that.

Abby smiled. "Well, be sure to look out for you. Otherwise, we're going to sic Ray on you." She laughed as Ray entered the room.

I was pleased to know that they had bought the Michael story. Ray sat next to me and smiled. "I'll make sure she starts eating." I looked at him and saw the rest of the sentence in his eyes. _And I'll make sure she keeps it down as well._

Luka sipped the beer Ray handed him. "We talked with Morris about that stunt he pulled. He is quite upset at Ray and I want to know what made you respond that way, Ray." He leaned back in his chair, subconsciously demanding an answer from Ray.

Ray cleared his throat. "I, uh, just didn't think that it was funny in lieu of Neela's weight loss, regardless of how she lost the weight. It reminded her that, uh, her husband's not here and…"

"There's nothing more?" Luka leaned forward, placing the beer on the coffee table.

"No." Ray followed Luka's start. "That's all. I don't know what made me respond so harshly, if that's what you're asking, but with what all is going on in Neela's life, last thing she needs is Morris picking at weight loss."

Luka seemed to buy the answer and nodded. "Just be careful, Ray. If Kerry got word of this, there'd be hell to pay."

This time I spoke up. "I'll deal with Kerry if she gets word of this." All four of them looked at me. "What? You don't think I could handle Kerry?"

Sam smiled. "No. It's not that. It's just how quickly you responded to Ray's defense."

"He defended me so why shouldn't I defend him?"

Luka looked at his watch. "Well, we should really get going. Glad you're okay, Neela." He stood up and Abby and Sam followed suit. "We'll see you in a couple days." He gave me a hug. "Enjoy your days off."

I smiled weakly. There was no way of him knowing that these next two days off were going to be difficult for me.

After they left, Ray held me close. "Don't worry. We'll get you through, okay?"

* * *

I looked around nervously. I wasn't prepared for this and I knew it. I couldn't find my laser pointer and I woke Ray up. As I apologized for waking him up, I could see in his eyes that he knew I was frazzled over something bigger than a misplaced laser pointer. This Surgeon's Conference had taken a toll on me and my health and I couldn't let anyone see that.

Ray calmly helped and I found myself wishing I wasn't married to Michael. Here I'm going through this war of my own, in which I need my husband, and he's fighting a war for another country and the only person left to help was my roommate. I should have cared, but I didn't. Michael, for intents and purposes, had deserted me. He never knew that I was battling this because he never looked hard enough. Ray, on the other hand, had been acutely aware of it for a while, even before he confronted me on it.

I looked up at him, wishing he could take me in his arms and make it all go away; make everything better, but I knew he couldn't and wouldn't.

If anyone were to have asked me what the Surgeon's Conference was like and if I remembered anything, I'd say I didn't know because the day was a blur. I hadn't eaten because there were too many people around and I knew what I'd do if I had eaten and I didn't want to explain to strangers. I kept saying that I had just eaten and I was full, so I could avoid food. I made it home, thankful the day had gone without much major damage. Well, save the "Save The Rats" group and passing out onstage during my speech, everything went well. I opened the door and smelled Ray cooking stir-fry. He offered me a small piece and I hesitantly ate it.

I wanted nothing more than to rest and I very wearily made my way to the couch and collapsed. I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up, I was in my room. I noticed in the chair by my bed was Ray, fast asleep. Why had he slept there? What was going on? I wanted to find out, but he was so cute sleeping and I watched him, fascinated by his breathing. He had tried to tell me something a couple days ago, but cut himself short. I was still wondering what it was that he wanted to tell me and what it would mean to me. Did it relate to what I was enduring? What was it?

* * *

**Okay…here's an update. This is the one chapter where nothing remotely happened in my life. I went with the Surgeon's Conference b/c for those of us who watch the show, we know how out of control things went for Neela that day and I decided that she didn't really tell him she was moving out. After all, it is MY story, right? LoL It's a little AU, but Neela needs Ray around longer. I haven't forgotten that Ray was going to tell Neela something. But, him sleeping in the chair near her bed gave me the perfect moment to give her pause on what he might have wanted to say. That will happen.**

**Thanks for the patience with these updates. I know they are few now…the battle still wages…but I hope to update some more.**

**I'll be having Michael come home with in the next few chapters and watch for things to really spin out of control for Neela.**


	10. Author's Note

**Author's Note:**

I know it's been a long time since I've updated this, but the battle in my life has begun again and refuses to go away. I can't write this story and fight my battle as well and until I feel up to writing this story again, it must remain like this.

I know you're all anxious as to what Ray's secret is and how he continues to help Neela along, and for not being able to conquer this story right now, I do apologize.

I thank you for your patience and understanding as I continue to fight my battle, which, honestly, I'm losing. There is no strength left to fight it. At this point, I don't even know if I even _want_ to fight it.

I hope to return to this story as soon as possible.

Navycorpsman


	11. Notification

I hadn't realised I had fallen asleep until I smelled someone cooking. I looked around and noticed the chair Ray had fallen asleep in was now empty. I made my way to the kitchen. I saw Ray standing, cooking. "Thanks, Ray."

"For what?" He didn't turn around.

"For staying with me last night. I know that chair isn't the most comfortable and…"

This time he turned around. "It's alright. The important thing is how are you doing?"

"Cold. Tired. A little dizzy, but other than that, I'm okay." I sat in a chair. Ray fascinated me. He had this ability to understand people that few people got to see. I know I never did. At least not until he found out about my disorder.

He put a small helping of eggs and bacon in front of me. "At least eat a couple bites." He said in response to my look. I shrugged and took one bite of the bacon and felt my stomach and throat immediately refuse it. He sat across from me and held a bowl up to my chin. "In case you refuse it." He grinned.

I couldn't help but smile. He had this way of making me feel better about things. "I don't think I could eat anymore." I placed the strip down.

"It's my cooking, isn't it? I know I can't really cook, but honestly, Neela, it can't be that bad, can it?" He feigned hurt.

I laughed softly. "Well, if you can't cook and you're the best cook in this house, then what does that say about me?" I intently looked at him. "A couple days ago, you were going to say something about a battle you fought. What was it?"

He shifted in his seat and looked extremely uncomfortable. "I…uh…Jesus, Neela. I don't know."

"Ray, you know the darkest secret in my life."

He simply smiled. "That's what friends are for, Neela."

I sighed. "Yes, that's what friends are for, Ray. So, what's your secret? The one…"

His smile faded. "It's not easy for me to talk about. And besides, it's a glorious day outside and I refuse to darken it by revealing my deep dark secret." His smile returned and he nearly bounded into the kitchen.

I shook my head. I had known Ray a long time and had never seen him stay down when he was. He just always bounded back as though nothing happened and with me the only thing that kept bounding back was my food.

"Coffee?" He poured himself a cup. I shook my head. "You're missing out, Neela. I did an exact duplicate of Morris's coffee." He laughed.

"In that case, I'm sure I don't want any." I weakly laughed. I knew I was weak, both physically and emotionally, but I didn't want anyone other than Ray to know. "How do you do it, Ray?"

"Do what?" He handed me a cup of hot tea. "And there's two sugars and exactly one teaspoon of milk." His green eyes twinkled.

"How do you never let life get you down for more than two seconds?"

He sat next to me. "Wasn't always easy." He sighed. "There was a time that I was so depressed that my mom thought of admitting me to break me out of it."

"You? Depressed?" The idea that Ray Barnett could ever be depressed shocked me. "Over?"

"Something that happened a long time ago." He flipped the TV on. "Talking later. Celebrity Poker's on."

* * *

_Dear diary_

_Sounds so cliché! 'Dear diary'. How many people start their diaries off with that lame salutation?_

_Doesn't matter I suppose, how you start the diary, as long as you start one, right?_

_I got this idea from Ray a couple days ago. We sat talking and he said that he writes his songs when he's not feeling on top of the world (to coin a phrase) and I thought that since I don't write songs, I may as well give a diary a go._

_Things aren't well. I wish I could be one of those people, you know, who write brilliantly in their diaries about how perfect their lives and worlds are, but the truth is that mine, as I write this, is seemingly falling apart._

_I got married and he's already back in Iraq. A choice he made. Like I didn't matter. It was settled by Michael without discussing it with me. Not really, anyway. We were in a casual conversation about apartment hunting and it came up. No 'What do you think, Neela?' Nothing. It was this 'I have to go back.' He never asked me. He just assumed I'd be okay with it._

_Ray doesn't switch shifts without asking me if it's okay with me. __:giggles to sel__f: Ray's been this amazing stronghold. The stronghold my husband should be. I have, I suppose, in a way, come to rely on Ray for what I need. He seems to know me better than…than anyone, I guess._

I looked at my closed door, knowing Ray was in the living room, watching television. There was something about him that confused me. He had gone from acquaintance to roommate to friend to…to I don't know what. All I knew was that I'd rather be out there with him, watching whatever idiotic thing he was watching than anything else. I put my diary down and headed out and sat beside him.

"I thought you were sleeping." He said as he put his arms around me in response to my snuggling close to him. He looked at me,surprised, knowing that my snuggling with him like this was not something I normally did.

"Couldn't sleep." I wearily replied.

"TV too loud?"

"No. Too many things going on in my mind."

"Like what?" He yawned.

"Everything." I sat straight up and looked at him. "I don't know what to do about any of it." I felt tears form. "My husband should be the one that's here right now helping through this, not my best friend. My husband should be the one to fix this and make it all right, not my best friend." I leaned into Ray and sobbed. For once, I could tell Ray didn't have anything to say. "Go ahead and say it. He's a rotten husband."

"No, he's not a rotten husband, but Neela, does he even know?" I shook my head. "How can he help you if you haven't told him that you…" A knock on the door stopped Ray cold. "I'll get it." He put a blanket over me. "Can I help you, gentlemen?" I didn't see who he was talking to.

"We're looking for a Mrs. Michael Gallant." I heard a stern soft voice and I shot up.

"I'm Mrs. Gallant." I wrapped the blanket around me and waddled to the door. I looked at their uniforms and felt ill at ease. "How may I help you?"

"I'm Captain Losure and this is Lieutenant Helms." He handed me something. "The Department of Defense regrets to inform you of your husband's death in Iraq and sends their condolences…" I couldn't hear what else he said. It took all my strength to stand and not show the war waging inside. "If you need to talk, here's my card." I looked down at the card. Captain Losure was the Chaplain they must send on these things. "We're here for you, ma'am."

I didn't know what to say, so I merely squeaked a "Thank you. I'll keep that in mind." And shut the door as quickly as I could.

"You alright?" I felt Ray's hand on the small of my back.

"I'm fine." I lied and Ray read into it. He didn't move his hand. I turned around and pushed him out of the way. I couldn't deal with this. I didn't want to deal with it. And I only knew of one way to deal with things and that was the one thing that was destroying me.

"NEELA!" I heard Ray yell as I began to empty the fridge of its contents. "DAMNIT!" He yelled as I threw a bottle of beer at him. I was hurting and the only thing that could fix me was food. I kept literally shoving food in my mouth in between gasps of air as I cried. Ray was seeing the worst of me and yet he stood there, bleeding and smelling of beer, concern written all over his face. I looked over at him and I realized that the only thing that could fix me was Ray. I dropped the yogurt I was shoveling down my throat and fell into his arms.

"Oh, God, Ray!" I began to cry. I had reached my lowest and it was up to Ray to pull me out.

He wrapped his arms around me. "I know, Neela. I know." He softly stroked my hair.

"I asked him not to go back."

"I know." He kept his voice soft and tender.

I saw his arm. "God, I'm so sorry, Ray. I…"

"Hey, I was actually thinking of seeing how a beer bottle could cut my arm that way anyhow. You just beat me to it." He looked me in the eye. "I'll be fine. You, on the other hand, won't be." He stood up and carried me to my room. "Get some sleep. You know where to find me if you need me."

"Your arm. I should…"

"I'm a doctor, Neela." He smiled. "I'll take care of it." He softly kissed my forehead and wiped a few stray tears. "Things will be okay. I know you don't see it now, but they will be. We'll just take this whole thing one minute at a time, okay?"

For the first time in a very long time, I felt that everything would be okay. Somehow, Ray saying it would meant it would. I nodded and fell asleep quickly.

* * *

**I know that Neela was at the hospital when she got word Michael was KIA. I just figured it would be better here, in this story, for purposes, to have the Soldiers come to her and Ray's apartment. It will set her in a tail spin and it's Ray that can stop the spinning and I thought it would be best for her to lose this control at home, when it's just her and Ray. I know it's AU, but I needed it to be this way. I hope you understand.****I thank each of you for your kind words after I put the author's note up. Knowing that I'm not alone, even though we only 'know' each other in this medium, has helped. While the fight continues, and will for how ever long, it's nice to know that I have people on here who understand and support me. You are all appreciated.**

**Navycorpsman**


	12. What About Ray?

Luka sat, looking intently at me. I knew he had to know, but at that moment, I felt as though I shouldn't have told him. "You need to get yourself better, Neela." Luka's heavy Croatian accent was full of concern. "We'll keep you to part time hours until you're sure you're strong enough to do a full day."

"But, I am, Dr. Kovac. I am." I cried back. I knew I wasn't, but going part time would only give me the depression I was trying to avoid.

"But you're not, Neela." He softly retorted back. "I need you at your full ability to…"

"Begging your pardon, Dr. Kovac." Ray's voice interrupted. "But to put Neela part time is giving her exactly what she doesn't need."

"You're not a part of this discussion, Dr. Barnett." Kerry's stern voice replied. "This doesn't concern you. You're here only as support for Dr. Rasgotra."

I could see Ray stand, almost defiantly. "I should be a part of this. After all, I'm the one that has to hold her when she cries. I'm the one that has to stand guard at the door every time she uses the bathroom to make sure she isn't intentionally vomiting. I'm the one that has to rearrange my life for the sake of hers. I'm the one that had to make sure all pens and pencils were accounted for. I'm the one that had to make sure that there were no wire hangers left in the apartment. I'm the one that has to ensure she gets at least three bites of food and I'm the one that holds her hair when her body refuses the food. Don't tell me that doesn't concern me."

Dr. Weaver looked at Ray. "You should leave, Dr. Barnett."

Ray drew a heavy breath and stormed out, slamming the door behind him. I never felt more alone and scared than I did at that moment. I looked at Dr. Weaver. "He's right, you know, Dr. Weaver. He's involved in this, whether you think him to be or not."

"This is about you and getting you better." Kerry's voice was now soft.

"Ray's a part of that, don't you see?" I felt the sickness wanting to take control as I saw Luka and Kerry sit back in their seats. I hadn't realised that until he told them everything he did for me.

"It's best if he not get too involved in this, Neela." Luka sighed.

"But he is!" I practically cried. I couldn't see how I could get through this if Ray wasn't by my side, helping me.

"He's too close to the situation, Neela. He needs to take a couple steps back and let others help you." Kerry's voice, though still soft, was stern.

"Who is going to be there for me, Dr. Weaver?" I challenged.

"Abby."

I laughed. I could call Abby one of my best friends, but she lived with Luka and to come and help would be out of the question. "What? Is she going to come over all hours of the night to…"

"We're moving you in with us until…" Luka started.

I stood up. "No. You are not taking away the only support system I have. Without Ray, I'm bound to fail." I looked at Luka. "Do you intend to do half of what he does? Do you even know what he does?" I walked to the door and put my hand on the knob, ready to leave. "If Ray isn't around to help me, than treatment is not an option." I opened the door and walked out.

* * *

**I know this is short, but I wanted to get a chapter up for the readers! I have Luka and Kerry playing the 'bad guys' because those of us who have the disease know that there are those who try to help us that we look at as bad guys. Plus, I wanted Neela to finally understand what a help and a life-saver Ray is to her. His little speech is what prompted her to realize that he is her support, a theme which will carry on through the rest of this story. She WILL NOT be entering a rehab center, but, with Ray and Abby's help (yes, she is going to allow Abby to help) she'll start her recovery.**

**I can not wait for you to see the end of the story. It is already written and, since it is a Rayla fic, we know they end up together. After all, that's how we like it! LoL**

**Navycorpsman**


	13. Ray's Secret

I wiped a few stray tears as I made my way down to the cafeteria, where I found Ray sipping on a cup of coffee. He looked up at me. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked as I sat next to him.

"For everything." He sighed. "I finally have the chance to do something right and I fuck it up." I swore I heard a tremble in his voice.

"You didn't 'fuck' up anything, Ray." I took his hand in mine. "If anything, you did just the opposite."

"Kerry and Luka don't seem to think so." He sat straight, but leaned over to me. "They seem to think I'm not involved in this. That this illness doesn't concern me."

I smiled. "I told them you were right. That they don't know half of everything that you do for me."

Ray sighed heavier and I knew that this wasn't a good sign. "Neela, we need to talk."

I pulled my hand away and leaned back, expecting the worst. "About?"

"Maybe I should back off a little and let someone who isn't so close to this thing help."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "No."

"What do you mean 'No.'?" Ray questioned.

"I can't do this without you. I can't get any better if you're not…"

"What if you're relying too much on me to make you better and not enough on yourself?"

"Ray, you can't do this to me. I can't…"

"If I can make it through what I made it through without help and I'm not even half as strong as you are, then you can deal with this." I'm sure, somewhere in his mind, Ray's reasoning made sense to him, but to me, it was as clear as mud on a rainy day.

"What do you mean what you went through?" I wiped a tear. I was beginning to break down and I had learned to be strong at work because I had to be, but now…now my world was falling apart.

Ray sighed. "Let's talk." He stood up and took my hand and we went to the roof. The roof had become our place…our haven…from the hospital. A place where we could talk about our lives and not fear interruption. He leaned against a railing and looked at me. "Jesus, where do I even begin?"

"What happened?" I sensed that what he was about to tell me was something he hadn't talked about in a long time by the sigh he heaved.

"When I was about 10 years old, I was heavily involved in football. Pee wee football." He smiled a small grin. "I loved playing it. I had my sights on playing high school football, then onto college and the NFL. I was quarterback, in case you were wondering." Which I had been and Ray knew it. "The coach had a party at the end of the season and he had the whole team over for a barbeque and our parents and he would talk about the next season and which of us would be returning to his particular team. He had a son that was a quarterback for the high school junior varsity squad and he would tell me stories and promised to help me become a better quarterback." He turned around and faced Lake Michigan. "What I'm about to tell you, Neela, I've not told anyone, not even my own parents. You must promise that you won't tell anyone."

"I promise." I leaned in closer to him.

"One night, towards the end of the season, just before the barbeque, he was giving me some tips on how to be a better quarterback and he…" his words faded.

I stopped. "Ray…"

He faced me. "10 years old, Neela. I was only 10." He gruffly laughed. "Now you know why I've had so many one night stands. Why it's hard for me to attach myself to anyone."

I was trying to grasp what he was saying. "You were molested."

Ray shook his head. "No, I wasn't molested, Neela."

"But you just said…"

"I was raped." Ray's facial expression changed and the soft face I was used to seeing, turned cold and hard. He looked through me as he continued. "In the following years, I not only gave up football, but several times I attempted suicide." His eyes suddenly looked deep into mine. "If I can make it through that, than you can make it through this."

"Oh God, Ray. I'm so sorry." Suddenly I felt like my insecurities were silly compared to what he endured. "If I had known, I wouldn't have…"

"It's okay, Neela." He took me in his arms. "I'm not deserting you completely. I just want you to get better because without you, I'm nothing. I'd be lost without you, you know that, right?" He looked down at me. "If I were to lose you to this and the constant nightmares of what happened 17 years ago, I'd never make it. You have to do this. For me. For you." He sighed. "For us."

* * *

**I know that this is also short...but I'm on a quick break at work! Just in time to go home! LoL**

**Well, now we know what Ray's secret is and he just revealed his heart to Neela! What will happen? Only the muses know for sure. I'll poke them; prod them; bribe them with chocolate, but we'll see what happens from here! They have promised that Ray and Neela WILL end up together…they've written THAT part…but they want you all to hang in there for how they finally end up together!**

**Navycorpsman **


	14. What Now?

I hugged him back. "Well, at least I now know why you were so adamant about Eugene not being released when you found out what happened to him."

Ray's arms remained firmly wrapped around me and I found myself the safest I had ever felt. He had opened up to me about what happened to him years ago and it felt as though he was softer and less tense. "I couldn't tell anyone, really. I mean, I told Pratt when he questioned why I wanted to keep Eugene overnight, but, you're really the only one I can tell these things to." He squeezed me one more time before letting go. "I have a shift to return to and you have home to get to."

"Thanks, Ray." I smiled. He smiled back and I noted how it had changed in just the short few moments since he told me his secret. "For everything."

* * *

I looked up at the ceiling. It was one bloody o'clock in the morning and I couldn't sleep. Weird images kept running through my dreams. I envisioned Ray as a little boy being raped by a much older kid. I suddenly felt sick. 

I made my way to the kitchen and quickly ate a bowl of his Lucky Charms, a bowl of my Special K, and drinking a few colas. I then reached for the Twinkies. As I downed my sixth Twinkie, I looked over to see Ray standing in the door. I couldn't look him in the eye as he silently strode to his room. I put the Twinkie down and made my way to face him as best I could. "Ray…"

"Save it, Neela. I'm in no mood to talk." His back was to me and his voice was gruff.

"But, Ray…"

"I said save it!" For the first time since discovering my secret, Ray raised his voice to me. I felt scared and I only had one comfort. As I watched everything I ate come back, I felt a hand pull my hair back. Despite everything, Ray was still there. I wiped my mouth and my hands and faced him. "Why?"

I fought the tears as I shrugged. "I couldn't sleep. I had all these images of you and…and…and it made me feel…I know I can't change what happened, but at the same time, there's all this guilt over what I've had to endure with Kavi and it's nothing compared to what you had to endure and I just…I couldn't…" I broke down.

Ray reached out to me. "Don't worry yourself over this, Neela. Telling you helped to lighten the load I've been carrying." He cupped my face in his hands. "I knew telling you…Look, I needed to tell someone and who better to tell than my good old Roomie, whose secret I know." He flashed a grin at me. "Maybe you should go stay with Luka and Abby while you work this out."

"Ray, I can't do it…"

"You can. I just don't want to be the only one you look at as being there for you." He softly kissed my forehead. "Other people love you just as much as I do and want nothing more than to see you get better, Neela. You'll see me at work and I'm always just a phone call away." He looked at me. "I know how much it bothers you, but for your sake, Neela, I'm asking. I'm afraid that I won't always be able to pick you up when you fall and you need to learn to rely on others to help, not just me." He softly laughed. "Jesus, that bothers me to say that."

I looked up at the ceiling before looking back at him. "I don't know, Ray. How will they know? I mean, will they know what to do?"

"I guessed on what to do."

"But, your girlfriend…"

He shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah, but…" He stood up, helping me to my feet. "Right now, all you need to do is to think about getting to sleep. I'll talk with Luka and Abby when I get into work." He tucked me gently into bed and kissed my forehead again. "You'll survive this and when you do, I'll be here, waiting for you."

* * *

**I know! Once again it's a short chapter! My muses didn't buy the bribe with the chocolate, so I'm going to try to bribe them with water and Power Bars! Haha I hope this half follows the flow of the last chapter. Ray is a secretive man and he's not going to deal with this issue like we all hope he will. Ah well. As long as he's there for Neela.**

**Now, there are, like a few chapters, going to be points in the following chapters that are AU and won't necessarily follow the path in my real life struggle. I hope that you're still…is enjoying the right word?…the story and that there's a part that will help everyone in something. Whether it be acknowledging they have a problem or someone they love has a problem.**

**One thing's for certain, because he decided to pull himself away for a while to help Neela, expect her to view him as the bad guy. She won't be so willing to trust him because he wanted to help her so much that he removed himself from the scene, which I sometimes recommend. You can be too close to the fire and not realise that you're burning yourself.**

**This story is far from over. Hopefully the water and Power Bars will work and the muses will come up with a chapter that is not only decent in length, but shows how Abby and Luka helps Neela.**

**One can hope.**

**Thank you to Ash who gave me the correct name!!!!**

**Navycorpsman**


	15. Luka And Abby's

I stood outside of Luka's door, feeling abandoned by Ray, even though he stood next to me. "Neela." Abby gave me a bear hug and she took my one bag from Ray. "Thanks for bringing her over, Ray."

"No problem." Ray blandly stated. "Just take care of her, Lockhart." He gave me one last hug and left. I soberly watched him leave, wondering if any chance to beat this thing left with him.

"Come on, Neela." Abby put her arm around my shoulders. "Luka has prepared a great dinner." I merely nodded as I entered in the apartment with her. "Luka! Neela's here!" She yelled.

"Ah, good. Neela." He embraced me. "Just in time for dinner as well." I felt my stomach turn at the smell of food. Luka smiled. "I don't know what you like very well, but Abby insisted one could never go wrong with macaroni and cheese." He sat me at the table and put a big bowl in front of me.

I barely mumbled a "Thank you" as I took one bite. While my taste buds told me it was delicious and to have as much as I could, my throat and stomach argued horribly with them. "I just can't eat. I'm not hungry."

"You've only had one bite!" Luka protested.

"Luka!" Abby's voice, quietly stern, let him know that this was not going to be won over night. "Maybe she had a bite to eat with Ray before she came over." I looked at Abby, believing that she would have the same understanding as Ray.

"I'm really rather tired. Where am I sleeping?" I looked up at Abby.

"You'll be in the spare room." Abby led me to the near empty room. "Sorry. Luka and I were working on make this a nursery when Ray asked us…"

"Don't worry about it. I'm not the preggers one." I tried to smile and crack a joke. I made my way over to the futon that was made out like a bed. "I'm sure this will work just fine."

Abby sensed my hesitation and tenderly smiled. "Look, Neela, I realise that you're not all together in love with this idea and believe me when I tell you how much it tore Ray apart to ask us to help. But, we're here for you. We may not help in the exact way Ray does, but we're going to do our best, okay?"

I smiled back as best as I could. "Thanks." Abby turned to go. "Abby?"

"Yes, Neela?" She faced me.

"Did Ray tell you why he was leaving me with you and Luka?"

"He didn't want to do it alone. He felt that if he was your only strength, only support, he'd fail you and he doesn't want to fail you. He loves you, Neela, and he'd do anything for you, even if it means giving you up."

I smiled at Abby. "Thanks."

"Anytime."

* * *

**I know this is yet another short chapter. Muses are SOOOOOOOOO demanding, aren't they? haahaa**

**Actually, it's short NOT because of the muses, but because my lunchtime is over here at work. I'll try to get some more in tomorrow. Or when I can. Or when the muses decide. Whenever. LoL**

**At this point, I don't have Joe in the picture. There won't be a shooting at the ER and Abby will carry full term. I also don't have the spare room set up as a nursery yet either, even though Luka and Abby have started turning it into one. I know it's AU, but that's the beauty of all this, right? LoL**

**The muses liked the water and the Power Bars and they are promising that Ray and Neela will have a huge fight, which ends up leading them to each other. Don't ask. Just follow the muses. Haha They have told me that Neela will end up almost resenting Luka and Abby's interference and what she portrays as Ray's betrayal. If you read carefully, you'll see Neela has already started feeling abandoned by Ray. They have told me that within the next couple of chapters, there will be a situation and Neela confronts Ray and THAT'S when the arguement ensues. However, I don't want to give too much away, but the muses have promised me that, despite the slowness of these chapters, it will be worth the read, as far as Rayla's concerned. They say to all Rayla fans: Don't worry! They'll be together! PROMISE!**

**Navycorpsman**


	16. Dreaming

The outside lights blared brightly in the room and I found myself unable to sleep. I listened carefully and heard Luka and Abby's soft breathing, letting me know they were sound asleep. The clock read 2:30 am and I knew Ray would be home by now, watching a movie and drinking a beer to unwind before heading in for the night. I rolled onto my side, hoping to get the image of Ray out of my mind.

It didn't help. I could see him and I swore one time I heard his voice. I got up and slowly and quietly dressed. I made my way out on the streets of the city, trying to find my way back home. I had never been so panicked as I was at this moment. If I didn't get back to Ray, I wouldn't be able to find myself, healthy or otherwise. I carefully boarded the El and made my way back to our place.

I softly knocked on the door and it slowly and quietly opened. Ray stood in front of me, wonderment in his eyes. "What are you doing here, Neela?"

I pushed my way past him. "It's no use, Ray. Without you, your support, I can't do this. Luka thinks that if I just eat, I'll be fine. Abby's wonderful, but I don't think she gets it either."

Ray closed the door and enveloped me in his arms. "It's okay, Roomie. I'm here for you. You know that, right?" He smiled down at me and I smiled back.

"Yeah, I know." I rested my head against his chest, listening to his heart beat. There was something soothing in listening to his heart. I listen to hearts everyday and yet none of them sounded as comforting as Ray's did at that moment. I looked up at him, my chin planted firmly on his chest. I see him smiling down at me and without any warning, his lips are on mine. I kiss him back…

** &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

"Neela!" Abby's voice echoed in the room. "If you don't get up now, you're going to be late for work!"

I look around and realise that I'm still in the spare room at Luka and Abby's. I run my fingers through my hair, wondering if I dreamt going back to Ray or if it really happened. "Coming!" I yell, but as Abby was standing in my door, there was no need. "Sorry." I apologized.

"So," Abby walked in and gave me a cup of coffee. "tell me about the dream you had last night about Ray." She smirked. When Abby smirked, it was never a good thing.

"Dream?"

"Yeah, Luka and I woke up to you yelling at him for something." Abby yawned. "Something about a patient and a life saving surgery. Plus, why Luka is stuffing food down your throat."

I looked at her. My running back to Ray had only been a dream. I sighed. "I honestly don't remember." I leaned back.

"Look, you're going to be okay, Neela." Abby soothed. I looked at her and thought that Ray must have helped her to understand. "No one is going to crucify you, okay, hon?"

I laughed. "I wish I knew that for sure." I slowly crawled out of bed and made my way to shower. As the water cascaded over me, I could only think about the dream I had of Ray. Was I really looking at him as the one who could save me or was there something more? Why would I dream of him? Why would I dream of his heart beating and his kiss? Was there something more than I was allowing myself to see? I leaned into the wall and sighed heavily. If there wasn't something more to what Ray and I had, why would I rely so much on him and resent him for not helping me when I needed him most.

"Neela!" Abby's voice interrupted my thoughts. "You're going to be late!"

"Yes, Mother!" I joked back as I turned off the shower. I stepped out of the bathroom and found Abby, arms crossed, leaning on the wall. "I'm hurrying!"

"Well, if you don't, Weaver's going to be on your ass and I don't want to be called in for a conference on why my daughter won't get it together." She joked back.

"Abby?"

"Yes, Neela?"

"Do you think that there's more to me and Ray than just being Roomies?" She chuckled a little bit. "What?"

"The whole ER thinks you two are involved somehow. Long before this." She smiled. "Not a bad choice, I'd say. Though, I would bet you know him better than you ever did Gallant." I opened my mouth to say something, but she put her hand up. "No one doubts you loved…love…Gallant, but you and Ray. I don't know. You go together like peanut butter and jelly." She laughed. "Now, get ready. Luka and I are leaving in five minutes."

* * *

**The muses wanted Neela to start rethinking her relationship with Ray and wanted her to ask Abby. Don't fight the muses. Rather mundane chapter, but who knows (other than my muses) where it may lead?**

**I like the whole dream sequence. I may have to replay that…only make it in real life for Neela and Ray, ya know?**

**Hope this isn't too mundane for you, but the muses want a little more story in here as well…**

**Navycorpsman**


	17. Start Of Resentment

I walked into the doctor's lounge and saw Ray sitting on the couch, reading something. "Morning, Neela." His voice was too chipper for 7 in the morning.

"Morning, Ray." I hung my coat in my locker. "Ray?" I paused.

"Yeah?"

"Did I…I mean, last night, did I come over?" I closed my eyes, hoping he would say I did.

"Not that I'm aware of. Why? You dream about me?" His eyes sparkled and danced as he teased me.

"All the time." I joked back. I sat next to him. "Actually, I did dream that I ran back to our place and…I just wanted to make sure."

"Neela. Kovac needs you now." Haleh stuck her head in the lounge.

"Coming!" I yelled. "I'll talk to you later than, kay?"

"Sure."

I looked at him. There was something different about him. He looked like he hadn't slept all night and he was drinking coffee like it was going out of style. "You okay, Ray?"

He smiled. "I'm fine. Just tired."

"NEELA!"

"Kovac needs you. Go. I'm okay." Ray smiled.

Somehow, the rest of the day just blurred by. Traumas. Not so traumatic traumas. Basic doctoring was the rest of my day. I can honestly say I don't remember much of work, but I do remember talking to Ray. I told Abby this and she smiled. "You only remember what you want to remember. Like all the good things."

"But we just talked about nothing, really, Abby." I lay back on the couch.

"Yeah, but Luka and I don't always have these deep intense conversations. Sometimes, we don't even talk. Just to be around him is sometimes enough." She sighed. "I look at you and Ray and I see two people who are as close as two people can get without being married."

I shot up. "He's my best friend. I can tell him anything." I couldn't explain why I was feeling so defensive, but I felt strongly that I had to defend the friendship Ray and I shared.

"I know. It's okay, Neela." Abby patted my knee. "No one doubts the friendship you two share. I was just saying that you and Ray are…" She looked at me. "He did this because he loves you, Neela. He doesn't want anything to happen to you." She sipped her coffee. "And what were you asking me just this morning about what you and Ray share?" She smiled.

I put my head on her lap. "I know, but I'm so confused. First he's…then he's…"

"They all are." Abby laughed.

* * *

Luka looked cross when I merely played with my pancakes. "You have to eat something, Neela."

I knew his intentions were good, but I was beginning to hate him for trying to force me to eat. I felt the tears start to form. I couldn't eat because all I could think of for the past two weeks was how, every time I saw Ray, I started to resent him. I mumbled a soft "I can't!" and left. I wasn't on for another three hours, but I had to leave.

"I thought I'd find you here." Ray's voice scared me.

"I'm not on for another couple hours, Ray."

"I saw you come in." He stood next to me. "What's going on?"

"Don't talk to me." I felt the anger and resentment build up in me.

"What?" I could see him stand straight up. "Neela…"

"You sent me to a prison, Ray." I wiped a couple stray tears.

"I sent you to Luka and Abby's for help."

"It's not working, Ray." I faced him. "Is this what you do, Ray? You find that taking care of someone is too hard and you dump them on someone else?" I could tell he was hurt by it, but I couldn't care. I was too hurt by what I saw as his desertion of me and the anger just cascaded like rain.

"Where the hell is this all coming from?" He stepped back.

"YOU LEFT ME!" I screamed.

"I didn't leave you, Neela." He rolled his head and sighed heavily. "I can't be the only person helping to save you."

"You didn't bother to try." I knew when I said it, that it wasn't true, but I couldn't think, at that moment, of what he had done to help me; to try to save me.

"Excuse me?" I could hear it in his voice that he was getting angry and I knew I had pushed him to it. "I didn't bother to try? Tell me how I didn't."

"You pawned me off to…"

"I DIDN'T PAWN YOU OFF!" The sheer anger in Ray's voice caused me to jump. "I can't be the only one…Neela, I'm too close to this to…Forget it. No matter what I say, it won't be good enough for you. You'll pick it apart and try to read between the lines of what you think I really meant." He stormed off.

"Ray!" I yelled at him, but he just continued to walk away. I hung my head and cried. I knew he was right, but I felt like he had deserted me and I resented him for it and I couldn't explain it very well. In the end, I only hurt him.

I made my way down to the lounge, where Ray was sitting. He looked over at me. "Attacking me on the roof wasn't enough?"

I leaned against the counter. "Look, Ray, I'm sorry. There's so much going on in my head that I'm not sure of what's real anymore. For all I know, this conversation could be a dream." I wiped a tear. "I'm tired of fighting."

"We all are…"

"No, Ray." I shifted my weight. "I'm tired of fighting the disease. I crawl into bed at night and just pray that it will finally defeat me."

Ray turned around. "Don't, Neela."

"Don't what, Ray? Admit the truth?" I sighed.

"Give up. Don't give up." He came and wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me close to him. "No one is going to give up here, understand?" I merely nodded. "You've got plenty of us fighting for you. Abby, Luka, and I are fighting for you, so you don't give up on me…on us, okay?"


	18. The Start Of The Healing Process

I cried harder than I ever remember crying. I was, until that moment, ready to give up. I felt like there was nothing left for me to fight for, but Ray made me feel there was. I don't know what all he said. Just hearing his voice, so soft and soothing; just taking in his scent; just being held by him – that was all I needed. I still couldn't see how I was going to ever beat this thing if he wasn't around. And the resentment built again.

He was softly "Shushing" me as I cried when I suddenly pulled away. "What is it, Neela?"

"You!" I shrieked.

He raised his hands and frustratedly sighed. "Now what?"

"You're trying to calm me down and insist that everything will be fine when it was just fine before you decided you had enough of me and shipped me out to Abby and Luka."

"Here we go again." He mumbled.

"What? You've got something that you need to say about all this?"

"Why are you murdering me for this, Neela?"

"Why did you toss me aside like I was some sort of stuffed animal, Ray?" Part of me wished I knew why I hated him so much at that moment. I looked at him and all I wanted to do was hit him for deserting me.

He rubbed his hands over his face. "Why are you so…Jesus, Neela. I want nothing more than to help you. Right now, you're not making it easy."

"So walk away. Just like you did a couple weeks ago. You didn't even fight for me, Ray. You just said this was how it was going to be. You never once asked…"

"What? You wanted me to send you to Belmont for rehab?" He yelled. "At least with Luka and Abby, you have two people who care about _you_ and not the money they can get for the full time you're there."

"You should have done that." I yelled. I had no clue as to why I was yelling, but I felt I had to yell back, for whatever reason was burning in my soul.

"What would it have accomplished, Neela? You'd be yelling at me because they didn't care for you enough or they watched you too closely or whatever the hell…Neela?" I don't remember anything else.

* * *

"What happened, Ray?" I heard Luka's voice standing beside me. 

"We were arguing and she just went down." I had never heard Ray's voice so soft and so hurt.

"What were you arguing about?" I looked over and saw Abby kneeling in front of Ray.

"She feels very strongly that I abandoned her and that I didn't fight hard enough." He ran his fingers through his hair. "I shouldn't have yelled at her. I shouldn't have…"

"I started it." I barely mumbled.

Ray's head shot up and he knelt at the side of the bed, holding my hand. "I shouldn't…I'm sorry, Neela." If it was anyone else but Ray Barnett, I wouldn't have minded the tears forming, but it _was_ Ray and I couldn't help but cry. I didn't realise the hurt I had caused him. He softly laughed as he wiped a tear from my cheek. "I don't think Luka and Abby want to handle to basket cases right now."

Abby sat at the foot of my bed. "How you doing, Neela?" Her voice was soft and caring.

I looked around me. "I've been better." I looked between her and Luka. "Thanks for everything. Both of you, but can I have a couple alone with Ray?"

Luka nodded. "Yeah. Just get better, okay?" He softly kissed my forehead, something that the ER Chief Attending really shouldn't have been doing, especially in front of his fiancée, but it was, in some small way, comforting to know that even my boss was behind me in this fight.

I nodded. "I will, Luka." After they left, I moved so Ray could sit on the bed. I sat up and reached my hand up to his face. "I'm sorry, Ray. I didn't realise how much I hurt you."

He smiled. "It's okay. I blame the lack of food for your mood swings."

"I don't have mood swings."

"Right. And I don't play guitar." He smiled and joked as though nothing had happened.

"I haven't been easy, have I?"

"No, but I've dealt with worse."

"How are you doing? I mean, after what you told me on the roof, and then…"

"I'm actually doing better. I had a rough go of it for a couple days after talking to you. Nightmares and shit, but I'm doing better now."

I patted beside me and he lay down next to me. "I'm sorry that I can't do more to help you."

He looked up at me and then put his head back on my shoulder. "You've got more to worry about than me and my nightmares."

"I do worry about you, though." I adjusted my arm so that it was around his shoulders. I laughed at the sight.

"What are you laughing about?" Ray smiled.

"This."

"What?"

"Me. You. My arm around your shoulders telling you that yes, I do worry about you in the same manner in which, a few weeks ago, you told me that yes, you do worry about me."

Ray sat up. "Only, my arms aren't just bone."

"I worry a lot about you, Ray. Don't think that I don't."

* * *

**Thank you all for your kind reviews. I don't know how much longer the muses wish to work on this one. They're letting me know that we're near the end…only they refuse to say how close we are. Muses, eh? Very particular creatures, I'd say.**

**They wanted Neela to collapse…which does happen…under stress. Arguing with Ray was the stress they said would do it. :Shrugs: I only do what the muses tell me to do. :-)**

**I'm doing better in my fight thanks to all of you. There's still a struggle, but knowing that I have my fan fiction family behind me has helped tremendously!**

**Now, I'm off to satisfy the muses with whatever so I know how much longer they plan on keeping this story. :-)**

**Navycorpsman**


	19. Healing

The next couple of days were spent with Ray, Luka, Abby, and various other nurses and doctors checking in on my status. I began to understand why so many patients wanted to go home rather than be admitted. I felt like I was in some sort of dream world. One of those dreams where you dream you're doing something you normally don't do or are somewhere you don't really belong. I had, really, convinced myself that this was a dream. I was at home…the apartment I shared with Ray…in _my_ bed, not in this sterile white room with an adjustable bed and absolutely crappy programming on the television.

While normal visiting hours were from 9 – 5, the doctors and nurses on my floor knew that I worked in the ER and so did my visitors, so they visited whenever they could. Sam brought me up this huge card made by my fellow doctors in the ER and she and I talked for a while. I never really knew Sam all that well, but when she left I found that I had a new friend and ally in this fight.

"How you doing, Neela?" I recognized Ray's voice in the dark.

"I've been better, Ray." I could see his silhouette against the doorframe. He was leaning against the frame, arms crossed and his head high. There was, as I know I've stated several times, something calming in that and it raged in me. "How was work?" I tried make casual conversation, but Ray didn't answer. "Ray?" I looked around and he wasn't there. "RAY!" I screamed. I was frantic and didn't know what had just happened. I began to rip out the IVs and made my way to the hall, trying to locate Ray. "RAY!" I kept screaming. No answer.

"Neela!" The voice was soft and soothing. "Neela, you alright?" I now recognized Abby's voice.

I looked at her. "I was…I was looking for Ray. He came by and…"

"He was in a trauma, Neela." Abby held me and brushed the hair from my face. "He's been busy the last hour. Doctor Calloway called me because you were screaming and they couldn't calm you down. Talk to me, hon."

I felt the tears form. "I guess that I was dreaming again and it felt so real. Felt like he was really there and then he just vanished and…"

"She'll be okay." Abby flatly told a nurse. "Let's just get her back in bed and restart the fluids."

"…He was gone. Just like that. He was cold and angry and…" I looked at Abby. "Oh, God! I've really hurt him, haven't I?"

Abby helped me back into bed. "He's a big boy, Neela. He'll get over it." She smiled. "I need to get back down to the ER." She softly kissed my forehead. "No more realistic dreams, okay? I don't want to be called back up here and have to administer some sort of anti – psychotic drug, okay?" Her smiled broadened. I nodded. "I'll tell Ray you need him."

I began to wonder why the dreams were becoming more and more realistic. I turned on the television, thinking it would keep me from falling asleep and having more dreams that would lead to me being doped up with Haldol.

"You doing okay?" I recognized Ray's voice, but didn't want to actually believe he was there. After all, I had already had several realistic dreams about him running from me and me to him that I didn't want to face up that this might be another one of those dreams. He sat next to me. "Neela?" A heavy sigh. "So you're not talking to me now? After…"

"I wanted to make sure you were really here, Ray." I mumbled. "I had…I don't know. I keep having these dreams that I swear are real. I can't believe that…it's hard to tell what's real and what's not."

"What's causing these dreams?" He sat on the edge of my bed.

"I don't know." I shrugged. "Lack of sleep. Lack of food."

"Your desires?" Abby's voice broke through and she smiled at me. "Sorry. Couldn't resist. Too easy."

Ray stood up. "I need to get back to the ER. Page me if anything else happens." He looked at me. "I'll be up to check on you later."

"Okay." I sighed. "What's going on? I am starting to go crazy."

"You've not been eating well and now you're losing sleep. But, I think that it's because you're human and we all have those type of dreams. I had one of Luka after the shooting. He woke up to find me in the kitchen, pointing my hair dryer at the microwave trying to protect him. Sometimes trauma can add to it. Sometimes it's just your sub conscious telling you what you think you don't want to hear."

"Like?" I carefully sipped my water.

"Like you're in love with Ray."

"So, how do I stop the dreams?"

"You eat." Luka's deep accent pierced the darkness and Abby and I both rolled our eyes and laughed.

* * *

I sat down and looked at the rest of the young ladies in the room. All of them had an eating disorder and we were here to talk about it. As the young ladies talked, the more insight I gained into my own disease.

_I looked at the paper in my hand. In bright red it read "F". How could I have possibly failed the test? I spent the better half of the month studying it. I couldn't call my parents back home in England and tell them I failed a math test. Father would kill me._

_Like my older brother, Kavi, I enrolled in being a foreign exchange student. I had wanted to come to America for it and I got it. I was in a small town in Illinois and was attending a small high school for my senior year. _

_I took a deep breath and dialed the number home. "Hallo?" I heard my father's sleepy voice._

"_Dad? Did I wake you?" I spoke softly._

"_Of course not, Neela. We have been waiting for a call from you." His voice sounded tired and, despite his attempt to sound cheerful, he sounded angry. "How are things for you in Grayslake?"_

"_They're fine, Dad." I sighed. "We had a big test in math yesterday and…"_

"_Don't tell me. You got the highest grade. I am proud of you, Neela."_

_I sat silent for a moment. I knew the flood gates would open if I told him I failed, so I lied. "Of course. Did you expect anything less from me?" I didn't feel like listening to how perfect Kavi was during his time as a foreign exchange student and that the failing grade was a disappointment. I already felt like one to myself and to my teacher. I didn't need the extra anguish of being one to my parents.  
_

"_I had complete faith in you, my princess. I know you will not let us down. Kavi made it through his final year there without so much as a failing grade. I expect the same from you."_

_I had, in one phone conversation, lied to my father, let him down, and deepened the depression and anguish I was already in. He had, once again, thrown Kavi's perfection in my face and I couldn't take it. I did the only thing I knew how to do and do right._

"Alright, ladies. That'll be all for today." Dr. Kavecki tapped on his watch. "Dr. Rasgotra." He stopped me.

"Yes?"

"I expect for you to talk tomorrow."

"And say what, exactly? That, despite being a doctor, I could care less about this? About what it does to me physically, emotionally, and mentally?"

"We're here to help." He soothed.

"No. You're not here to help. You're here to judge and condemn these young ladies." I crossed my arms. "Do you have any idea of what they think or feel? Do you even know what makes these young ladies start throwing up or starving themselves?"

"I don't need to understand. I just need to make them healthy."

"Then start by understanding." I uncrossed my arms and made my way to the ER. There was only one person who understood me and what I was going through and if I was going to talk, I was going to talk to him, openly and honestly about why I had turned to bulimia to what I was afraid of and how I intended to continue fighting.

Only if he were with me in the fight.

* * *

**Not everyone who suffers from an ED will have realistic nightmares and dreams like Neela has. I did and that's why I included them. Besides…the muses…well, they're muses and they like to do things like that. Include a little bit of a weird side note/story thingy. Yeah. That's it.**

**I loved, though, that they are sending Neela back down to Ray. We all know what's going to happen, right? LoL**

**Anyway…hope you're still reading!**

**Navycorpsman**


	20. Explanation

I found Ray in the Doctor's lounge, looking out the window, as if he were in a pensive mood. "Ray?" I softly spoke.

He turned around and faced me. "Thought you'd be in bed by now." He sat down on the couch and motioned for me to sit by him.

"I'm not tired and besides it's barely six in the evening." I sat next to him and rested my head on his shoulder.

"You've been exhausted, though, Neela." He put his head softly on mine. "What's up?"

"What do you mean? Can't I just…"

"Yeah, but I also know you. There's something you want to talk about, but you're too scared to, and you'll get mad if I a) ignore it or, b) try to get you talk about it." He sighed. "But, I'll risk it. What's up?"

"You never asked how this all began."

He lifted his head. "Neela, I don't need…"

"I have an older brother, Kavi, who is perfect." I sighed. "No matter what he did, Kavi _always_ did it right. He could turn stone into gold. Or at least that is what my parents thought." I stood up and stood in front of him. "Be honest with me, Ray. Be as shallow as you can be, but what to you see when you look at me?"

He hesitated. "Uh, Neela, I don't think…"

"Be honest." I held my breath subconsciously for what I was about to hear. I knew he'd tell me he saw a train wreck. Someone who was too controlling. Something.

"I see the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

"Ray. I'm serious."

"So am I, Neela." His voice went soft. "No matter what you wear…scrubs, sweats, little black dresses…you always look perfect. Your hair. Your makeup. Everything. There isn't one imperfect thing about you. Even your cute little imperfections make you perfect and I already told you that."

"That's why this is as bad as it is."

"I don't get it." Ray leaned forward and gently pulled me on his lap. There may have been a time when I would have fought it and he wouldn't have even tried, but the last few months had brought us closer than we had ever been.

"I don't expect you to. But I think you should know…you have the right." I sighed. "You mention how perfect I am…at least in your eyes, right?" He nodded. "I have to be perfect. See, bulimia isn't about my wanting to be a size 2. It's about me wanting to be perfect and you can't be perfect if you're a size 12." I sighed harder, trying to hold tears back. "It's a control issue. I think you pointed that out once. If I weren't perfect, I'd lose control. I can't lose control because having control is being perfect. I have perfect control over everything. I don't eat because it shows you that I'm not as in control as you think I am." I looked at him. "I have to maintain this sense of control at all times. Then, you see me eat and I feel horrible that you've seen me lose control that I feel ashamed and I want to disappear. But, the truth is that you've not noticed my slip which makes me feel you don't love me enough and don't care if I'm even there. Which, of course, sends it spiraling again. I don't want to lose your love, so I try to be perfect so you'll love me, but nothing you do is right. You try to help me, you don't love me. You don't try to help, you don't love me. And I begin to feel that I can't do anything right and you could care less if I'm even there, so by not eating, I begin to disappear and you don't notice and I hate you for not noticing."

I wiped a tear and Ray softly coughed. "I do notice, Neela. I don't want you to ever think that I don't love you because I do. I just feel helpless that I have to sit on the sidelines while you fight this thing."

I adjusted to make myself more comfortable on his lap. "I know, Ray. I hate that I can't let anyone help me. I want to…I want…" I couldn't finish my sentence. I lost all thought as Ray softly squeezed me.

"I know."

* * *

It was another two weeks of care in hospital before I got to go home. My home. Not Abby and Luka's, but the apartment I shared with Ray. I still had a month off for recovery because Weaver and Luka didn't want me back until they were sure I was okay. I sat on the couch, waiting for Ray to come home after shift. He had promised he'd drop by my favorite take away place for some food.

"Hey, Lucy! I'm home!" He playfully yelled.

"What did you get?" I felt like leaping over the couch and grabbing every ounce of food he had with him.

"Take it easy!" He held the bag up out of my reach. "You're not ready for all this food. We're going to take it easy, okay?" He brought the bag down. "I got you Orange Chicken, but only a little. Too much and you're in there worshipping the ceramic god."

I took my chicken and sat on the couch. "Thanks, Ray."

"For?"

"Everything. I know I've not been easy on you." I swallowed a piece of chicken and felt sick, but I was, with Ray's help, learning to not give in to my body's urges right away. But, honestly, the chicken, though sitting heavy on my stomach, felt good to eat.

"You're welcome."

"Ray?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you mean it when you said you loved me?" I widened my eyes and looked at him.

He choked on his Kung Pao chicken. "Sure. I love you like my best friend."

I felt disappointment surge through me. "Oh."

"Not what you wanted to hear, is it?" Ray smiled.

"It's fine."

He reached over and pulled me closer to him. "Is it ?"

I felt my heart race and I knew he was right. "No. It's not fine." For the first time, I felt like my heart was telling my mind what to say. "It's not fine."

"Why not?" His breath was hot on my ear.

"Because…because…." I shifted and faced him. "Because it's not." I looked at him intently. He'd had been there for me in all my darkest moments and he never flinched. He rose to every challenge and every obstacle and overcame them. When I needed a knight in shining armour on a white steed, Ray was the one and I wasn't about to let him ride away into the sunset with another woman. "Because I love you, Ray."

A small smile formed on his lips and he gently leaned in and kissed me.

* * *

**I guess we're nearing the end. Neela's little speech is true. It's not about being fat or thin. It's about being perfect. It's about maintaining control. One bite to eat and all control is lost and then you feel like you're not loveable anymore and then it turns into you wanting to disappear.**

**If you have a friend or a loved one suffering from an ED, understand that no matter what you do, it's wrong. Even if it's right. You help me, you don't love me enough. You don't help me, you don't love me enough. They don't believe it…at least not too much…but stick by their side. Let them know, however you can, that you do love them and that you love them unconditionally. UNCONDITIONALLY.**

**They'll fight at first, but they will…sooner or later…realise that you helped them. Just let them know you love them. No terms. No conditions. It's sometimes a lot later than sooner, but it will happen. I look back now and see how much my parents loved me to do all that they did for me when I was seriously going through this fight in my teens and how much, to this day, my mom still loves me, regardless. **

**The saying "Love conquers all" is true. At least in this instance.**

**Navycorpsman**


	21. Recovery

It's funny how time flies when you don't realise it. The month of recovery that Kerry and Luka wanted me to have flew by. Admittedly, both Ray and I thought it would never end. It led to some fights and led to some make-ups.

"_You never want to do anything anymore, Ray." I whined._

"_I just worked a double, Neela. I'm not feeling much like going out. Not tonight, anyway. I just want to sleep."_

"_I have no one else to go out with."_

"_Abby?"_

"_Working."_

"_Pratt?"_

"_Working." I sing songed._

"_Why don't you go out alone?" Ray's voice was exhausted._

"_No fun." I pouted._

"_Jesus, Neela. What do you want me to do?" He was now not just exhausted, but frustrated and that was never a good combination with Ray._

"_Never mind." I knew not to push it when Ray was like this. "I'll just sit in my room, bored. Like I always do."_

It hadn't been easy for Ray to work doubles while I sat at home on my arse doing nothing. I had cleaned every ounce of that apartment until it was so clean you could eat out of the toilet, but I was going crazy. The one day I _had_ decided to go out by myself, I ended up in the ER. As a patient.

"_Where'd you find her?" I heard Abby's voice._

"_She was passed out on a park bench in Millennium Park." The paramedic replied before rattling off my stats. I had my eyes semi-opened. They didn't want to stay opened or closed._

"_She okay?" I recognized Ray's voice, full of concern._

"_She'll be fine, Ray." Abby's voice echoed his concern. "Luka and I have her, Ray."_

"_I can't just…"_

"_Ray." Luka's voice was stern. "Abby and I will take care of her._

_It seemed like forever before I was in an exam room, Ray sitting at my side. "What were you thinking, Neela?"_

"_You told me to do something by myself."_

"_I know." Ray rolled his head. "I'm sorry. I just…"_

_I put my hand on his. "I know."_

I smiled at some of the highlights of the past month. Ray had been more instrumental in my young recovery and even attended a required therapy session with me. He was hardly impressed by Dr. Kavecki and his approach to 'treating his patients'.

_Ray sat quietly next to me as Heather Tomlinson spoke. He studied Dr. Kavecki closely as Heather told her story. When she concluded, Dr. Kavecki made no attempt to pull more out of her and Ray was gob smacked. "Nothing else?" Ray's voice was quiet, but his attention was on Heather._

"_Dr. Barnett, I'll have to ask you to leave if you talk." Dr. Kavecki's voice was stern._

"_That's it? You merely nod and that's it? No trying to figure out why she's battling this?" Ray's voice was strained from trying to maintain control._

_Dr. Kavecki looked at him. "Dr. Barnett, it is not up to me to figure out how it all started, but up to me to fix it."_

"_You don't think that trying to find out why each of these young ladies has an eating disorder has anything to do with anything?"_

"_No."_

"_How can you fix a problem if you don't know what the problem is?" Ray now focused his attention on Dr. Kavecki._

"_I'm not here to fix problems, Dr. Barnett. I'm here…"_

"_Isn't that our job as doctors?" Ray challenged. "To fix the problems that are put before us the best we can?"_

"_I'm doing the best I can, Dr. Barnett." Dr. Kavecki tapped his pencil against his pad of paper._

"_Doesn't sound like it to me."_

"_Dr. Barnett, if you don't like how I'm doing this, why don't you try to do my job for me?" Dr. Kavecki may have meant that as an I'll-show-him stunt, but Ray wasn't going to back down._

_Ray sat back, crossed his ankle over his knee and looked at Micah Griffith. "What's your story?" Micah relayed her story and she looked at Ray. Ray smiled at her and pulled more information from her. "What makes you feel as though you're not important to your family?"_

"_I'm the youngest and with four older brothers, no one really has time for me." Micah softly replied._

"_What do you think would happen if you just disappeared?" Ray leaned forward._

"_Nothing. No one would miss me."_

"_I think there's a few young ladies in this room that might miss you." Ray smiled. "Look, I know this isn't easy on any of you, but you each must believe you are special and important and someone loves you and will miss you when you're gone. You have a choice here. You can control your eating or let your eating control you." He looked at me. "Sometimes, in order to have control, you must be willing to let it go."_

Needless to say, Ray was never invited back and I stopped going. I didn't need therapy sessions with Dr. Kavecki as long as Dr. Barnett was around. I sat in the doctor's lounge, waiting for Ray to get off shift. One more night and I'd be back on shift. But my illness meant a delay in my surgical rotation. Kerry, Luka, and Dr. Dubenko thought it would be best for my health if I worked in the ER with Ray.

"Hey." I heard Abby's voice.

"Hi." I looked at her.

"How's everything going?" She sat next to me. "Baby food? Something you and Ray aren't telling us?" She smiled.

"Ray and I haven't really officially started dating, Abby."

"You should, you know."

"I know."

"But seriously, baby food?"

"Yeah. Ray thought I should get back onto solids very slowly. Baby food is full of nutrients for a growing person and he thought it would be a good idea for me. He's right, you know." I took a spoonful. "Baby food is, in an odd way, good."

Abby laughed out loud. "You're something else." She looked at the door. "I should get back to work, but we're all proud of you, Neela. You're going to be okay."

"Yeah, she is." Ray's voice was soft, but still powerful.

Abby smiled at him. "All because of you."

"She did it, not me, Abby." Ray closed the door behind him.

"True, but she couldn't have done it without you." She stood up. "We'll see you tomorrow night, Neela. We'll have plenty of patients for you."

"You better!" I yelled back as she walked away.

"Well, excited?" Ray sat next to me.

"About returning to work? Yeah. I can't wait." I rested my head on his shoulder. "I just wonder how long it'll be before I can do it right again."

"Not long. You're a great doctor, Neela. I wouldn't be surprised if you handled twice as many patients as I do tomorrow night and do it with better success."

I smiled. Ray had grown as a doctor and he had more rights than wrongs and I was proud of him. He had, in the past couple of months, learned to deal with what he hid and he and I spoke often of his healing and of mine. It seemed to help both of us. "Ready to go, Ray?" I asked.

"You bet." He helped me up and we left, everyone in the ER staring as we held hands. "See you all tomorrow night!" Ray yelled.

"And I expect a big huge fat cake!" I yelled as I laughed.

Cake or no cake, I was returning to work and I was excited.


	22. Helping Others

I stood in front of a room of young women, scared to give my story. I knew I had to. Not just for me and my continuing recovery, but for these young girls as well. Ray was there as support. I gave him a quick smile as I headed to the podium to give my speech. I looked around the room at all the young women, all striving for perfection, all striving to be doctors. I smiled once more at Ray, silently thanking him for his absolute resoluteness in regards to my Bulimia.

"Princess Diana once said that she had it _'on very good authority, that the quest for perfection our society demands can leave the individual gasping for breath at every turn. This pressure inevitably extends into the way we look. And of course, many would like to believe that Eating Disorders are merely an expression of female vanity - not being able to get into a size ten dress and the consequent frustrations!_'

I can promise you that I stand here, in front of you, to tell you that it is _not_ about being thin. It's about being _perfect_ and sometimes thin falls into perfect. It's about being in control. It's about feeling out of control. It's feeling disappointed in yourself because you weren't what others wanted you to be or who you thought you should be.

My reason more than any was to simply disappear. I couldn't continue to be a disappointment to my friends, my family, my co-workers. I grew up feeling that no matter what I did, I'd forever be a disappointment to my parents, to my family.

I grew up in the shadow of the perfect older sibling. The one that did no wrong. I was expected to be as perfect as he was and when I couldn't be, disappearing became my only option. When I made the decision to become a doctor and not a wife and mother like I was raised to be, the disappointments in me continued and my battle, which I thought I was winning, began to spiral out of control rapidly.

Then, the pressure to prove them wrong when I entered med school pushed the Bulimia I have suffered from for most of my life into overdrive. I had to be perfect. I couldn't let them see me fail. After all, they wanted me to be perfect. I used my Bulimia as a way to hide myself from them.

Even today, I hide behind my Bulimia so that no one will see how imperfect I truly am. I use it to hide from myself.

It has been brought up to me that if I wanted help, I'd seek it, but let me ask you. Does the drug addict seek help when they need help with an addiction? What about the alcoholic? They usually have to hit rock bottom and dig another hole before they seek help or are forced to seek help.

So it is with someone with an Eating Disorder. It is an addiction. It is my secret. It is my shame. And it is my burden. A burden that no one else can possibly share.

It is a burden that I have asked no one to share because no one else can.

Princess Diana went on and said '_From early childhood many had felt they were expected to be perfect, but didn't feel they had the right to express their true feelings to those around them - feelings of guilt of self revulsion and low personal esteem. Creating in them a compulsion to 'dissolve like a disprin' and disappear.'_ I can tell you how true this really is.

To disappear was my ultimate goal. I was invisible anyhow, so no one would have missed me when I finally did. It's what I wanted. I wanted to wane away like a piece of ice under hot water. To waste away so that the wind would carry me off on it's wings.

I never thought of the medical side effects. Even as a doctor, I ignored them for this has been my life for the past decade and a half.

Since I was eleven, I have suffered from Bulimia and Anorexia. Yes, it is possible to suffer from both eating disorders, not just at separate times, but together. Bulimorexia is an epidemic that is threatening the lives of young women and men everywhere.

For those of you who do not know what Bulimorexia is, here it is, broken down simply: You obsess over your calorie intake and you exercise too much, hoping to lose whatever you took in. This can go on for a couple weeks. You then wake up one morning and you're overwhelmingly hungry, so you binge. Feeling guilty of the binging, you then purge and the cycle starts all over again.

This has been my demon for the past four years.

It is important that you realise that you cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped, but even more important is that you never quit trying to help.

If it wasn't for someone loving me enough to intervene constantly on my behalf, I don't know where I'd be today. He never quit on me, even when I wanted to quit on myself.

If you see someone with signs of an Eating Disorder, speak up. Say something. Don't take 'no' for an answer. Be prepared to fight for fight they will. They live in the lie that they are fine and are okay. 'I don't need help.' is the battle cry for an EDO sufferer.

They believe it too.

What makes it a hard battle to fight is how much of a joke Eating Disorders have become in society. One needs only to surf the Internet to see what a joke it is. It is the lack of caring and taking it seriously that most young sufferers are afraid to come forward.

They're afraid of the comments. More importantly, they are afraid of the judgment. If someone were to discover their secret, the world around them they created would fall. No more will they be 'perfect'. No more will they be 'in control'.

But the ironic thing is is that when you have an Eating Disorder, you don't control it. _IT_ controls you. The only way to be in control is let go of control.

It's hard, but it's possible.

My one co-worker refused to give up on me, like I stated. It was his incessant nagging and taking doors off of hinges and breaking the scale. Sometimes, it was him not letting me go to the bathroom shortly after eating or have him standing, back to me, while I did go to the bathroom. If it wasn't for him keeping track of every pen and pencil in the house or removing all wire hangers. If it wasn't for loving me…if it wasn't for these acts, I may not be as strong as I am now. I would have slid farther and farther down the deadly path I was on until it landed me in the grave.

He taught me that letting go of control is sometimes the best way to stay in control.

Now that the secret is out in the open and I have a friend, a confidante, a soul mate that I can talk to, I feel free. I feel as though a burden has been lifted. No more do I carry this burden.

However, I still carry the fear. I still carry the anxiety that goes along with Bulimia. There are times I have to literally sit on my hands when using the restroom because I know that I wouldn't dare stick them in my mouth after that.

There are times I still pick at my food. There are times I still don't want to eat. There are times when all I want to do is eat than purge. There are times I feel so overwhelmingly lost that I don't have my 'secret friend'.

But stronger is the bond I have with my roommate that I can talk to him when I feel this way and he supports me. Never judges. That's important. Never judge someone for having an Eating Disorder. Rather give them your love and your support. Unconditionally."

I stepped back, knowing that I didn't give my full story, but I felt I didn't need to. It was all there. In Ray. For the past year he was there, helping me in my recovery. Giving me his unconditional love. I didn't used to ever believe in happy endings. I believed that Prince Charming and Cinderella weren't living 'happily ever after' as the story stated. I thought he left her for someone else.

But, as I looked at Ray, I realised that happy endings do exist. The Prince Charming always comes to save the day and steal the Princess away.

I know because tomorrow, I will marry my real prince after all.

* * *

**This is it. THE END! Can you believe it?**

**Neela's speech was one that I gave a long time ago in front of some fellow nursing students about EDOs. It is what one thinks. It is what controls us. I thank the writer of Princess Diana's speech for knowing somehow, some way, what my struggle was.**

**I hope that you're not too disappointed the story has come to end, but it must. There is no where else to go with this one. There may be some sort of sequel, but this story is over.**

**Thanks for you love and support!  
**

**Navycorpsman**

**  
P.S. The insight on how Ray moved on is going to be another story. I've not had the experiene with rape as I've had with an eating disorder, so that will be coming as will a wedding one shot.  
**


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